I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You just made me feel so damn special
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
