i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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