I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
