Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
