I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
