If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
