Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
