I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
