She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
