Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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