My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
