She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
