did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
