I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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