God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
