If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize