dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
