So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
