He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
