He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I got her a Nickelback box set.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
