My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
