hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
