Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
