Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
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