I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize