so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
