Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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