woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize