i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
