Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
