I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
