That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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