You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
