My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
