a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
