Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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