my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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