I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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