he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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