was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It all started with a game of naked twister.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
