I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
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