doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
