did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
