i wish my penis had a tongue
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
