I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
