Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
