i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
