Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
