I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
