Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
