so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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