look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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