Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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