The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
