I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize