i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
