We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
