My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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