didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
