i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
