I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
